My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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