I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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