i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
