I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
