People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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