On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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