happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
