I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
