Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
