Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
