I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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