My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
