things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
