"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
