i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
