I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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