oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
