She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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