he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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