my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
is that a dick in a sweater?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
