I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
