Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just want to make out with him forever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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