Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize