I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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