You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
