I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
