The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
