The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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