I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
