at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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