I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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