so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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