the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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