Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
