you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
