Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
