I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
