I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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