Whod you bang
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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