dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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