I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize