My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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