dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
