I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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