Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize