umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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