hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
