Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize