Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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