I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
