I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
