I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
