I will die if light touches me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
