Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I need water and some morals
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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