According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize