I wish I could punch you in the face.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
