apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
