too bad you live with your parents still
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
