Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
