I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
