I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
