This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
