I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
