i already hear my dad disowning me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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