You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
