my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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