Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
