did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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