I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
