I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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